Val·ue /ˈvalyo͞o/

Hello friends & readers! Sorry this post is a day late. Yesterday I was blessed with a great opportunity to fellowship with great friends all day. I missed being around my husband and baby girl, but having a day dedicated to friendship and pampering was thoroughly accepted and appreciated.  Friendship is something special and God given.

Hope you enjoyed your holiday.  The holidays are such a blessing.  They are the perfect time to unwind, focus on family and friends, and regain a sense of self and your goals.  I cannot believe how 2014 had come and gone so quickly.  It is 2015 and I am sitting here taking care of my baby girl.  With the New Year brings on the motivation to start a “new you.”  You may already have started a New Year's resolution or at least have some ideas of ways to bring about this “new you.” Or, some of you may have given something up for Lent; a bad habit perhaps?  This also may be something you chose to better yourself.  My suggestion is simple.  Pray about it!  The “you” that you are looking for is already someone God has wanted you to become from the beginning.  Pray about it and He will open your eyes to who you should be for 2015 and the years to come. 

A verse to reflect on:

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” - Ephesians 2:10

The definition of value:

The regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something. A person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life.

My biggest struggle in life from a young child to even now was finding my value in life.  I don’t want to assume, but most people live day to day attempting to find their value.  Value and purpose is a strong motivator for people to work hard, act or look a certain way, and do almost about anything a person chooses to do.  People will set their priorities by what they believe is most valuable to them and what will make them feel most valuable.  I live that way and if you are truly thinking about it, so do you.  

I struggled finding my fit and where I belonged in every setting of life (family, school, friends, church, fill in the blank for your own life), which is very normal for most girls at all ages (even women that are 22+ in age).  It wasn't until my freshman year of college that I became secure in who my friends were but I still battled to figure out who I was (or at least who God wanted me to be).  It took me 22 years to find my worth in God and realize that without Him, your value is nowhere to be found.   

Looking in the Wrong Places…

This huge moment of realization occurred during a service at a local community church when a guest speaker was conducting the service.  His words filled my heart and really hit me hard that any struggle in your life is completely founded on "value."  Let me explain....

First to generalize, which I know is not necessarily the best way to explain anything… however, he explained that any time (and I mean ANY time) you feel sad, frustrated, worried, scared, and/or a combination of negative emotions, you are putting value in something that isn’t God.  God is perfect.  He is our cornerstone.  If we put our value in things other than God, then our foundation is not strong. 

Now, before I continue I want to make a HUGE POINT right now.  Is it alright to grieve? Yes.  Jesus wept for the death of a friend (John 11:35), and the Bible even has examples of times God was angry (yet, we must remember unlike our anger, God’s anger is completely pure and sinless – John 2:13-22).  There are times where it is okay to feel these negative emotions I listed above; some examples, death or separation of a loved one, job or home loss, poverty, natural disaster, short/long-term abuse, illness, and the list I am sure could go on.  God doesn’t expect us to be go through life pretending that these circumstances haven’t happened to us and he wants us to value things in life (just as long as they do not become idols in our lives).  If someone as important to you as a parent, child, or husband died, grieving is natural and healthy.  God wants us to value our relationships because he created us to relate with others.  He wants us to value hard work in a job, our health, and our families. 

However, He doesn’t want us to spiral out of control and turn away from Him because we valued that person or thing more than Him.  That is the difference!  Is it life-changing that someone died or that possibly we were sexually/physically/emotionally abused?  Yes, and God uses those moments in our life for His purpose even if it is unbearably painful for us.  Our relationships belong to Christ.  Our past (whether painful or peaceful) belong to Christ.  When we lose who we are because of awful circumstances that we idolize over God, those circumstances (and the devil) will control our view on our value.  If anyone would like to talk more about this specific paragraph with me, feel free to contact me and I will talk with you and pray for you.  Also, I would highly recommend you talk to a trusted friend, Pastor, or Christian counselor if you want to seek peace and value in your life after a traumatic event like the primer.

Now that I have clarified a bit, I want to go on with some smaller and less painful examples of how we can use this idea day to day.  For easy typing, I am saying “I” but these are not necessarily examples from my life; one trivial, the other a little more serious. 

Example Number 1

I am baking my husband’s favorite cookies – chocolate chip.  I get distracted (which is a totally normal occurrence for me) and the next thing I know, I smell burning chocolate coming from my kitchen.  What do I feel?  First, I am frazzled because well, something may or may not be on fire.  Second, I’m upset!  I burned the cookies.  So let’s get into the nitty-gritty to why I’m upset… I just ruined my husband’s surprise.  I wasted ingredients on those cookies that we can no longer eat.  And I worked hard on making those earlier in my day when I could have done something else productive. 

Looking deeper, I can determine I was not finding my value from God in this moment.  Instead, I was finding my value in being a “stereotypical” homemaker and wife, in money, and in my own abilities.  Are you following so far?  Hope so, but here’s another example. 

Example Number 2

My marriage hasn’t been going well recently.  My husband and I are constantly nagging at each other and fights are breaking out left and right.  I decide that I will try to be the bigger person and do something sweet for my husband any ways.  I make him lunch for work and write him a love letter.  When he gets home, things don’t turn right around like I wanted them too.  I start feeling insecure and then angry at him for not appreciating my effort.  Like usual, the night ends in a huge fight where hurtful words are said and we go to bed angry.  What do I feel? I am all sorts of emotions here and for other women who have been in an ugly fight with a husband, boyfriend, or really anyone; they can agree there are tons of emotions that flare up.  I’m angry because I don’t feel appreciated for what I do.  I’m overly certain that I must deserve better or that I am definitely in the right for how I acted because obviously I’m the only one making an effort here.  I’m insecure because I feel like my husband may not love me anymore, or he may just not really like me (and may also feel insecure because I don’t feel like I am being a good enough wife for him, or possibly any man).  I feel lonely and empty because I am not getting filled with love from my husband.  I feel worried that our marriage is on a road to divorce. And etc.  I think some of what I said above could be related to while others may have a lot less or even more feelings after something serious like an on-going argument.  Like my first example, I can look deeper into this scenario too and know that I am not finding my value from God.  So what was I looking for? 

If we address just some of those feelings, I can easily say that I was valuing myself based on how my husband makes me feel.  If he doesn’t love me, then I’m unlovable.  Not true.  Even though God made us to connect with people and to have relationships, our number one relationship in life is with God.  If we were to be completely unloved by all man, but loved by God, that is actually enough (but yikes would that be hard).  Again, I was looking for my value in my abilities.  If I am a good enough wife or do things for my husband, than I have value in this world.  Or to add on to that, I also felt entitled because I was doing something with my abilities.  I didn’t have to be nice to my husband and go out of my way to do something special for him, when obviously he doesn’t do that for me.  I do so much for him and he does nothing for me.  I’m sure there are men out there that would have loved my letter and would have done something to reciprocate my effort.  I deserve so much better.  This may be very blunt and sting, but I don’t deserve anything.  I should be thankful for what God gives me.  And frankly, if I made a vowed to my husband the day we got married in front of man and God, than I deserve nothing but my husband. 

Also, if you find you are frequently having these thoughts (and/or acting on them), I recommend you pray for God’s forgiveness and support.  It isn’t healthy for you and it is a sin against your husband and you Lord.  If you are a believing wife you should apologize and admit you’re wrong.  Instead of rehearsing your hurts and complaints, we can use these difficult times as opportunities to love God and our husbands.  We spend energy thinking “I NEED that,” when in reality ALL of our expectations have been met through the cross (Psalm 62:5)

Let’s Rethink this Whole Thing

Now easier said than done... I know.  I am not trying to tell you "do this now" or "you should be able to do this."  No way.  I'm just trying to get you to at least start thinking about it.  Some of you may have NEVER heard anything like this before in your lifetime.  I hadn’t heard anything like this either (or possibly we both have but one day it just clicked).  If this is hitting you for the first time then it can be eye opening, overwhelming, and kind of bittersweet.  Both women and men look for value in the wrong areas of life.  From what I’ve seen, heard, and read, I’ve learned men regularly look for value from their abilities while women look for value from their relationships. 

Here are some more examples of how one can try to return your look on circumstances to find value in God.  Everything I have is a blessing not a necessity and I should be thankful for what God allows me to have.  God gave me a set of strengths and weaknesses and I will only be able to be exactly what He has made me to be and in His timing.  God decides how a relationship is supposed to affect my life and He knows the big picture.  My life and everything in my life is God’s, not mine. 

Still, easier said than done. 

But if you can start rethinking in these types of circumstances, than it is a start towards a greater confidence in God. 

You aren’t Alone in this… it can be DONE!

Even though this is a difficult life-long task, from my personal experience and testimonies from other women, I know that this confidence in Christ is obtainable.  A dear friend of mine went through her own realization after going through obstacles in life and came out of it with her true value.  Here is something she has shared with me:

"A challenge I overcame was my identity. I previously had a tendency to put my identity, self-worth, and self-esteem in successes and relationships. My happiness and identity was especially in my previous serious relationship with my ex-boyfriend. When our relationship started crumbling, I was devastated. My self-esteem and joy plummeted. I learned that my fullness is in God. I am a daughter of Christ, I have been adopted by Christ, I have been chosen before the creation of the world, I am redeemed, and I am forgiven and without blemish because Christ lavished grace upon me. I am worthy because of who God is, and what Christ has done for me. I am loved unconditionally by God." – Katie Stoesz

A verse to reflect on: 

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” – Hebrews 4:16

This is my first post about the topic of value and how we can acquire it the correct way in life.  I didn’t think this was a topic to just throw at any one all at once.  It can be a lot to handle and process.  From personal experience, even though the service made me start rethinking my life, it took me much longer to really introduce the ideals into each area of my life.  Talk to a good friend or family member about this topic and see what they think.  Maybe even bring it up in a Bible study you are in and see if this is an area other women struggle in regularly. 

My Goal of this Post

This first part really focuses on the fact that frequently value is misplaced and/or how idolization can really deter our views on our value.  In upcoming posts on this topic of value, I am going to look further into where people regularly place their value and Biblically where God wants us to place our value.

My goal from these posts on value is to help women find confidence.  If we can find our value, we will find our confidence and strength.  With confidence and strength, we will live out our live with joy, peace, and fulfillment in God.